18 Things A Grown Man Should NEVER Have.

I spoke of this article this afternoon.
Being a grown ass man n' all, I figured I'd play along and see which ones apply.
Feel free to do the same, or add any others you can think of.

Oh, by the way, my witty commentary on each one will be in parenthesis.

18 Things A Grown Man Should Never Have
By Steve Calechman, Men’s Health

1. A black eye. Unless the rim hits your face mid-dunk, your peepers should remain unblemished. You're smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you're going to lose.

(I'm more lady than I am man, when it comes to fighting. So luckily, I don't have a shiner.)

2. A witty e-mail signature. Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke performances, respectively. Don't let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivational poster.

(Nope. I don't have this either. In fact, nobody should have one of these. Not even ditzy broads.)

3. An empty refrigerator. Your larder should be amply stocked, your pantry provisioned. Always aim to be ready to create an on-the-fly, three-course dinner for her...along with breakfast in bed.

(Oops. Here's my first offense. What can I say? I survive on a daily basis, and pretty much never have anybody over. The sick thing is, is I like it this way.)

4. PlayStation thumb. When they're relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or button-shaped bruises, you're assuredly missing out on life.

(Offense number two. Look, I love me some videogames. This shit isn't going to change. To quote the comedian Bobby Kelly, "I'm not a grown man. I'm a grown DUDE")

5. A key chain with a bottle opener. This bauble is both a gauche reminder of your college days and proof that you don't know how to apply leverage using available, impromptu bottle openers: a lighter, the back end of a fork, this magazine.

(I'm an offender of this, too. But I'll argue that you'll look like a bigger asshole if you use a lighter. Then again, I'm just saying that because I could never figure out how to do that lil' trick.)

6. A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he'll be.

(Nope. Never had a "lucky shirt". However, I guess I do sort of have a "lucky cane". It's a story for another time.)

7. An unstamped passport.

(I'm actually ashamed of this. There's a few "coulda, woulda, shoulda's" but I still, at age 31, can only say that my "foreign travel" consists only of stupid Canada.)

8. Olympic dreams. Exceptions: curling and archery.

(I know what I'm not, and never will be. And that's an athelete. No check here.)

9. Less than $20 in his wallet. Fiduciary nudity is negligence. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.

(I'm an offender of this. Badly. However, I'm not ashamed of it. We basically live in a cashless society, and I kind of think it's retarded that this is even ON this list. But yeah, I never have cash on me. Like, ever.)

10. A name for his penis. Even if it's a really clever name.

(Nope. Never had a name for it. However, I'm wont to joke that if I ever get married (and I'll be honest, it's a BIG if) my vows should include the line "Do you take him for thickness and health?" That line kills.)

11. Any beer that costs less than $20 a case. And no exception for the grand-slam 30-pack that crosses that price threshold.

(Get fucked. I enjoy Bud Light and I'm damn proud of it.)

12. The need to quote The Big Lebowski/ Caddyshack/Superbad. Reciting someone else's lines reminds people that you haven't the wit to write your own.

(I can't remember names, let alone movie quotes. So, no problems here.)

13. A futon. Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, "Take me on your futon."

(Offender. However, hear me out on this one. First, my last couch was pretty small so I needed to make a change. Also, I wanted something for people to crash on, in the event that they were too boozed up to drive. Not to mention, it's actually really nice and I blew like a grand on the damn thing. I mean, shit. That's got to count for something, right?)

14. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.

(Hmm.. I guess I do this. It's actually kind of fun, really.)

15. A Nerf hoop in his living room. Keep the adolescent accoutrements where they belong: in the rec room or above the wastebasket in someone else's office.

(Nobody has cared about Nerf since 1985. C'mon man.)

16. A secret handshake.

(I had one with my ex girlfriend, but hey you do dumb things like that. So, that doesn't count.)

17. Drinking glasses with logos. Especially those kitschy McDonald's Hamburglar ones.

(Offender. I'd say roughly 90% of all pint glasses in my cabinets read "Harpoon" or "Newbury Comics" or "Guiness". I'm cool with it.)

18. A recent story with the phrase "So I said to the cop..."

(Nope, but my friend "The Other Derek" tells stories where someone pretty much always dies at the end. He's sketchy, and kind of hilarious. Just thought you should know.)

So there you have it.
I have 9 out of 18.
Clearly, I'm no man.

How'bout you?

Kimberly said:

Jim, you are a real man - those GQ guys have your nifty cane up their asses! I am especially moved by the bottle opener and the futon.

May 15, 2008 6:01 PM

pnkflyd99 said:

1. Guilty. I got sucker-punched at (of all places) the Joshua Tree @Davis sq. 4-5 years ago. Had a shiner right before I flew to Vegas...

2. Guilty. "'All right brain, I don't like you, and you don't like me- so lets just get through this so I can go back to killing you with beer' -Homer J. Simpson to his brain" is my signature for one of my emails. I don't give a shit if it's dorky...

3. Usually I have food- I love food...

4. Don't play video games- I'm waay too uncoordinated & there's too many buttons. I gave up shortly after Sega Genesis.

5. Guilty. I can do the lighter trick, but I honestly don't think it's bad to have an opener on your keychain... Bunch of snobs over at Men's Health.

6. No lucky shirt, but I did wear certain clothes back in the day hoping it would help me get laid (usually unsuccessful).

7. Guilty. In fact, I just got my passport, and I'm dying to use it.

8. Not atheltic to aspire to the Olympics. Even with HGH, Steroids, and Tonya Harding in my corner would I make it to that level.

9. I never have cash, which is why God created ATMs. 'Nuff said.

10. I used to joke that my penis's name was David Banner, and that if you got him mad he'd turn into the Incredible Hulk (minus the green color).

11. Guilty. I love Harpoon, Sam Adams, Guinness, etc., but sometimes you just want to go ghetto and buy some Private Stock 40oz. or whatever. Gas ain't cheap these days, but beer still can be!

12. Guilty. Probably quote movies too often, but fuck it- I love them.

13. No futon since college, but I can sleep on concrete, so what's the big deal with a futon? Bunch of pansies at "Men's" Health. I slept on a fucking cot for 6 months straight, so a futon would've been a nice luxury.

14. Guilty (and fun to create/think of), but not used often.

15. Are they kidding? Do they even sell those miserable nerf hoops?

16. I'm lucky if I can remember which key goes to what door, nevermind some stupid handshake.

17. Same as Big Jim on this one- nearly all of my drinking glasses are of alcoholic beverages or are souveniers from trips across the land.

18. Haven't had to use that phrase in a few years, but you just never know...

Sorry for the lengthy response, but I'm bored and full of caffeine.

May 15, 2008 7:22 PM

7h3 B34n3r said:

Yeah i got 4....well being 16 might have something to do with it. But anyways the playstation one really killed me. Im playin Pokemon right now lol.

May 15, 2008 9:10 PM

Dan Metrick said:

I don't think the one about Logos on glasses counts around here. If the assholes at Men's Health had a Newbury Comics nearby giving away a free glass every other week, they'd have a cabinet full of them, too. Heck, I give them away to family members, and may just put them out for company along with the good wedding-gift china next time Mayor Menino comes over.

May 18, 2008 8:13 AM

Black Devil Magilla said:

Jim, you crack me up. You needed a futon for all those people you never have over to crash on ... ?

May 19, 2008 9:50 PM

Alex said:

7. An unstamped passport.

Customs doesn't stamp them half the time anyways, and if you ask for a stamp they look at you funny.

9. Less than $20 in his wallet. Fiduciary nudity is negligence. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.

Debit Card anyone?

June 14, 2008 11:32 AM